Life Support for a Dying Marriage

Is the love gone from your marriage? Are you emotionally distant from your spouse? Have you reached an impasse?

Everyone struggles. There is hope!

Excessive busyness and pursuits of different jobs and interests strain our marriages. Investing time in everything but marriage can extinguish our passion for each other. 

The Bible teaches that two people become one when they marry. 

It’s not too late to renew your love and commitment. 

A spouse’s typical answer after divorce is, “We just grew apart.”

A friend told us his habit of spending excessive hours at work destroyed his marriage. He didn’t realize the impact of his choices until it was too late. 

A principle in psychology called proximity gives us a key to oneness in marriage.  

German Gestalt psychologists identified the law of proximity in the early 20th century. Gestalt means shape. They learned people see groups of objects as one. The law of proximity claims that things close to each other seem related. Proximity has a stronger impact than even similarities in color and shape. 

As I write this piece, I see three large photos hanging on our wall. They’re scenes from our most memorable hikes. I don’t see one of them singularly. I view the trio as a group. Their proximity created oneness. 

I want to be one with my husband, and I hope others see us as a unit. When a married couple thinks of themselves as one, it is an intentional choice. It goes against our natural selfishness. 

We must renew our commitment daily by our actions. We must resolve to move toward each other, even in our anger and disagreements.

As we pursue proximity through healthy choices, we grow closer emotionally. Spending time under the same roof, in the same room, and the same bed will help us grow relationally through actions, even when feelings are absent.  

My husband, Tom, and I aim to move toward one another daily. It’s a priority. The law of proximity creates a closer connection.  

Tom has been away from home a lot the past few days and I miss him. I’m delighted to have noticed that emotion in me. It hasn’t always been a tendency of mine to feel his physical absence. I’m an introvert. I love alone time. To sense such tangible loss is a positive sign of growth for me. 

Loving your spouse is intentional. It has taken me years to love my husband in the way he experiences love. Touch is his love language. I began by reaching out for his hand or scratching his back until, finally; it became natural for me. 

Learning to love your mate in a way that conveys love to them is a skill. It will become second nature, like typing on a keyboard. 

If we wait until we sense certain feelings or moods to act lovingly toward our spouse, our marriage may not last. Marriage is like an incubator. It grows more of what we put into it. It is transforming. Marriage is a protected environment where we change and are sanctified. 

The crux of wholeness in marriage is desiring to become one, as God teaches. We learn that our human oneness exemplifies Christ and the church. We have an opportunity to reflect Christ’s love and sacrifice to the world. 

If you told newlyweds they’d need to work hard in their marriage to stay close, they wouldn’t believe it. They can’t keep their hands off of each other. In time, they’ll see that deep, lasting love comes to life through many wonderful decisions. 

As other long-married spouses will understand, the depth of love after many years together is much greater than the early in-love bliss. It’s a miraculous closeness and unity that only comes from thousands of choices to move closer to each other. 

Tom and I celebrate thirty-nine years of marriage this month. I could never have imagined the depths of contentment, happiness, and growth we’d experience. I can never thank the Lord enough for bringing us together.