How to be an Empathetic Friend

I’m terrible at asking for emotional support. I mostly keep my feelings to myself. How can I expect a friend to understand my loss when it seems small in comparison to hers? My sadness shouldn’t take up space in a realm where other folks have real losses.

As I thought of this dilemma, a phrase I’ve heard many times came to mind. “Pain is pain.” I’ve questioned whether it’s really true.

As I asked God to help me understand how we’re to encourage each other, this verse came to mind:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Romans 12:15 ESV

A couple years prior to our move to Columbia we had a long difficult season. In the span of thirteen months we lost both of our fathers. During the same time a pipe burst in our home which led to a year of discombobulation. My husband, Tom took on the monstrous task of replacing all the plumbing which involved the removal of sheetrock from seventy areas of our home. We navigated without water and furniture while our refrigerator sat in the middle of the kitchen atop sub-flooring. Several times after the new plumbing was installed, another leak was found so repairs began again. After the plumbing was truly restored, new flooring and all, we moved back in only to have the water line to the ice-maker leak, ruining the floor and starting the whole process over again.

I was heavy-hearted and exhausted. Then, a dear friend called. I vented. All my feelings spilled out. I heaped our conversation with apologies. “I don’t mean to complain. I know you’re in a hard season, too.” My gracious friend offered me the generous salve of a listening ear and caring heart. I felt renewed. She affirmed me. I cried and she reflected my sadness. The hardships and pain she’d experienced prepared her to cry with me. Although her difficulties were vastly different than mine, she seemed to know just what to say. I wished we could’ve shared a big hug at the moment. Knowing she cared gave me life.

Weep with those who weep.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV

We’re trained to comfort our friends by the comfort we receive in our trials. I may not be good at asking for emotional help, but I never mind when a friend needs my support. I’m sure your friends feel the same about you.

We aren’t meant to be alone.

I began to see that all loss produces pain. We can comfort one another even if we don’t fully understand a particular situation. God has called us to love each other. Love means we hurt for our friends.

Weep with those who weep.

How do you feel when you’re celebrated? Or when someone shares your sorrow are you comforted?

Years ago I sat with a friend who’d lost her mother after several other family members had passed away. I didn’t have anything to say to her, but I was truly sad. She later noted that my quiet presence was just what she needed. I learned an important lesson in that experience.

Weep with those who weep.

A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 17:17 NIV

Recently I took a walk with a friend who welcomes my transparency. I was a little weak-kneed as I shared how difficult it is to have left our home a few years back; the home I loved even with all the plumbing problems. I’d been tight-lipped about it because who would understand? People are dying and I’m grieving the loss of a home? By her facial expression and tone she validated my feelings. Her compassionate ear gave me permission to be honest and not be ashamed. It’s a loss and something that needs to be grieved, she told me. My thankfulness for God’s gifts can coexist with sadness, I’ve learned. I was embarrassed to admit my struggle. She motivated me to take steps to heal. 

Weep with those who weep.

I’ve learned a lot from my friends about empathy. What if we’d coordinate our emotional responses with the feelings of someone who’s hurting? Rather than embellish the pain, could we take our cues from her and be sad in the same way she’s sad? We could sit with her in compassion and tell her we’re sorry she’s going through a hard place. Could we choose to not judge a person who seems to suffer too long, or in a different way than we think we’d suffer?

Weep with those who weep.

Compassion puts itself in the same place as its friend and attempts to share the same sorrow and pain. When a friend celebrates, be happy as if celebrating your own victory. We Christians are inseparable parts of the Body of Christ.

Rejoice with those who rejoice.