They say marriage is hard. It’s commonly used as a consolation or even an excuse for ending a relationship.
Life is hard. Being human is difficult. We’re selfish by nature. It’s unnatural for us to put another person first.
The wonderful thing about marriage is that it is optimal training to help us develop essential attributes in both marriage and life. Marriage sanctifies us as we lean into its dailiness.
If we were perfect to begin with, we wouldn’t need training. We’d easily love the other one and prioritize our spouse’s needs. We’d say all the right and loving things. We wouldn’t experience marriage’s transformation.
Marriage is crucial to Christendom and to the world. As married Christians, we have the beautiful honor of representing Christ and the Church. Jesus is the Head of the Church and Bridegroom of the Body of Christ. Husbands, as heads of their wives, represent Christ by loving their wives in the same way they love their own bodies. As Jesus laid down his life for us, His Bride, husbands lay their lives down for their brides. They have a fully sacrificial role. Wives have the privilege of honoring and being led by a representative of Christ, just as the Body honors Christ.
I sat, typing away in the Story Nook, aka the office, when loud, quick footsteps ascended the stairs, the door swung open, and my husband leaned towards me, took my face in his hands, and landed a big, sloppy kiss. Then, just as fast, he bounded back to his current task: wall painting. Without a word, I froze for a moment and grinned, with the kiss still on my lips. How can it be that he married me 40 years ago? Not only me, but also my young children from a devastating first marriage. Just last week, I woke up wondering why he chose me. In some ways, it feels like we walked down the aisle only yesterday.
Smooching is not what we do all the time. In forty years, we’ve never uttered the word “divorce.” We never considered it. However, there were many times in earlier days when we were emotionally distant, passing like ships in the night, as the old idiom goes. Tom was married to his job. The excessive hours he was away from home, plus the other weighty responsibilities, could’ve ruined us.
When we’d finally get away to reconnect, thanks to his amazing parents, it would take me several hours to warm up enough to open my mouth and talk. There’d been a solid barrier between us for weeks.
Once, Tom whisked me away to an island for the night. Unbelievably, I didn’t want to go. It felt too hard to leave the children, and what would we even talk about? We were gone less than 24 hours, but they were the best hours ever. After I finally relaxed and opened up, I was madly in love once again. Only days before, my hardness and sadness had brought me to a point of not caring if he came home. We’d acted almost like strangers. I learned a valuable lesson. The covenant stands. The anchor holds. My emotions pale in comparison.
Sadly, not all husbands adapt to a Christlike sacrificial role, and not all wives grow into loving and honoring spouses. Surrendering our selfish desires is difficult. All the forces in the world are cheering us on to self-absorption.
Divorce happens. Unfortunately, it’s sometimes necessary, when certain issues like abuse prevail. I’m not a Pollyanna. Divorce happened to me. I’m familiar with the terrible experience of abandonment.
However, many marriages end when they shouldn’t. There is hope for us to overcome the dictator of sin in us. There are counselors and advisers who can help couples through terrible times.
My marriage relationship with Tom is above and beyond anything I could’ve ever hoped for. Not that we are perfect, or our life together is. We still argue and get on each other’s nerves. But those moments are insignificant in the grand scheme. We are one. We love each other more than we knew was possible. The thought of living apart is devastating.
If you’re married, please don’t give up. Thank your spouse often! You are not easy to live with; you know. Thank you for loving me and putting up with me; thank you for marrying me!